They’re not wrong
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North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?