Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
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Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”