Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
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Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
PER MY LAST EMAIL
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask