Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
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I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin