Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
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Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK