Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
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Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
*jingles half the way*
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.