I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
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SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?