hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
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Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Not yet
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”