My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
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I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.