My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
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[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Rather alarming headline…
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Your secret is safeish with me
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
beware of dog
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?