Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month đ
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a midwest state really had a âhusband callingâ competition
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom youâre occupying, yell âCASH ONLYâ
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Norwegian stuntmen are like, âI HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,â and then they jump over the hjood.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: đŽ hampire
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Who called it âThe Last Supperâ and not âJesus take the mealâ
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, âWho am I?â, she responds, âYouâre the king and youâre better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!â
I am so, so embarrassed that I didnât program her first.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, sheâs not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
*knocks on neighborâs door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor