*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
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If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Watermelon Boss!
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything