The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
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calling in to work dehydrated
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
#NeverForget
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.