(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
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Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
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The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.