This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
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If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
get you a girl who
At an art museum and I thought this was art
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
You can’t outrun your problems…
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.