“I’d like to speak with a manager”
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I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.