Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
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I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Ugh but profoundly
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.