Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
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Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Saturday
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there