*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
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A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then