When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
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E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.