[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
You Might Also Like
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?