“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
You Might Also Like
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
That de-escalated quickly
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.