If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
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Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.