“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
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Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.