Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
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my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.