How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
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People who hate candy corn love telling you.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no