worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
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the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
PLOT TWIST:
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”