Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
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[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
oh u like geography? name every lake
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
🤭😂