We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
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I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17