I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
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My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Feels
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.