Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
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Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors