Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
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my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.