me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
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dam girl
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Cats are still liquid.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Software Development ⛵️
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Dammit Chief not again
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?