“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
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New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
🍞🦆
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.