[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
You Might Also Like
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
the council will decide your fate
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*