[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
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She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
I have so many questions.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Once again not all heroes wear capes
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
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My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page