Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
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out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.