Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
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Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Happy Taco Tuesday
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
$4 #usedbooks
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.