I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
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“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.