PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
You Might Also Like
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Husband of the year 😂
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
LMAO.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires