If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
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[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you