just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
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Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Eat…
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Ken is short for chicken
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg