BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
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cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
The days of good grammer has went
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Ok, but like, how married are you?
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet