Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
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4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
The human personality is made of five key elements
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
scared to check what name she chose
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
*pronounces woah like Noah*
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink