how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
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[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
U talkin 2 me?
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.