I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
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[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Peter Parker Peter Driver
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.