As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
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Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.