[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
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COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*