Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
You Might Also Like
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
the prophecies have been fulfilled