in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
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When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
How does one answer this?
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV